The Power of the Soft Red Bat

By | Blog, Inspiration

Do you struggle with being your own worst critic and judge, like me? Is so, read on and I hope my story can help.

I have struggled with self-judgment for a long time. However, through the help of a personal friend, I recently learned how to visualize what “bat” I should be reaching for in my mind when I beat myself up. Doing this in advance has made it easier for me to reframe my thinking, change my perspective, and improve my own self-acceptance. It’s had such a significant and positive impact on me that I want to share my story with others who may struggle with self-judgment as I have.

If you’ve ever read the popular book The 5 Love Languages then you’ll understand when I say I’m an “acts of kindness” person. Meaning, I share and also derive my strongest feelings of love from doing things for other people, and vice versa. When my friend asked me what I would do for a friend in need, I didn’t hesitate to respond by saying, “anything!”. He then followed up by asking what I would specifically do and I began to ramble on about how I would listen, how I would provide them with compassion, how I would share my own similar experiences, and how I would ask them what they needed from me.

My friend then asked me what I do for myself when I have a need. His question was met with uncomfortable moments of silence, then a dim light bulb in my mind growing brighter and brighter until I said out loud, “F#%&!”.  In that moment that it became apparent that I freely and easily provide to others without any judgment whatsoever, but do the complete opposite with myself.

My friend asked me to close my eyes and imagine a line of baseball bats in front of me. All the way at one end are those big, heavy professional bats. You know the ones — the Louisville Sluggers made out of the hardest ash and hickory. I was asked to scan my eyes down the line of bats and imagine their size and shape growing smaller and smaller. Midway down the line, I had imagined that yellow hollow plastic ball bat from my youth, the one you used to hit that crazy white whiffle ball with the holes punched into it. Now it’s certainly not as tough as the Louisville Slugger, but I’ve got to be honest, it’s still something I wouldn’t want to get hit in the face with because it would still hurt like hell.

My friend encouraged me to continue scanning down the line of bats until I got all the way to the other end. It was here that I was asked to imagine that small, wide, and soft red toy bat — the one you’re comfortable giving to a three-year-old because it’s not going to hurt them. My friend told me to remember which bat I should use when I want to beat myself up.

I wasn’t asked to not beat myself up. That would be impossible! I was just asked to be a little kinder to myself when I do. The soft red bat I imagined in my mind doesn’t hurt anything like the Louisville Slugger that I had been using. The soft red bat made it easier for me to remember that everyone has faults. I now try to think about how I would feel if I were looking at myself from another’s perspective.

As I look at my friends, or if I were looking at myself as I look at a friend. Would I be harsh and unforgiving in my judgment from this different perspective? No, is usually my answer. Is my thinking irrational? Yes, is usually my answer. I now have an easier time of laughing at myself and being self-deprecating in a healthy way, because the reality doesn’t match the perception, and it’s not as bad as I’ve made it out to be. The red bat reminds me…

Oftentimes when I see someone struggling with self-judgment, I share this story. When a friend, colleague, client, mentor or anyone else seems to be unable to stop, I find myself taking a trip to the store, and picking up another squishy, soft red bat for them. Delivering one of these to a professionally employed adult may seem silly, but sometimes having the right tool, in this case, a foam covered Nerf bat, makes the job easier, and having a visual reminder leaned up in the corner of your office reminds you to be kind to yourself too.

While it took me almost 50 years to begin to understand my struggle and the peace that I have found with a new perspective, I share my story in the hope that others may learn sooner to be kind to themselves. Sometimes we want to hit ourselves or others with a Louisville Slugger, and sometimes we need a crack upside the head to sort ourselves out, but the safer, easier and less damaging approach is to pick up the squishy, soft red bat.

What I’ve also learned:

  • Better clarity and control of my thinking
  • Stronger empathy for myself and others who judge
  • Increased feelings of self-worth
  • Greater self-acceptance
  • More peace and happiness with myself


6 Takeaways from “It’s Your Ship”

By | Inspiration

Have you ever felt as if you were a captain of a sinking ship?

Captain D. Michael Abrashoff sure as heck did when he was put in command of the USS Benfold, a ship that had gained the reputation of one of the worst naval crews at sea. The ship was a top-notch vessel, equipped with the best technologies but still, the crew was not performing. The Navy wanted to get the ship in shape and fast.

In June 1997, Abrashoff set foot upon the USS Benfold. This was Abrashoff’s first run as sea command, and his nerves ran high at the sheer task of being a Captain. What he saw left little to ease his worries. The crew was blatantly disrespectful to the departing captain, a man who was known for ruling with an iron fist. It made Abrashoff cringe to see the behavior. At that moment he knew that the cold-hard leadership style of the departing captain didn’t resonate with the crew. Abrashoff needed a different approach to reach the excellence he was aspiring to achieve. Before laying down new law, Abrashoff turned inward and did some hard soul searching. He knew that this arduous task would be entirely dependent on his leadership skills. Over the next several months he honed his leadership skills, and by bettering himself built a crew of confident, hard-working problem-solvers who were eager to take the initiative and responsibility for their own actions. The slogan on board became: “It’s your ship.”

After only a few short months under Abrashoff’s command, the USS Benfold became a top producing naval unit. Abrashoff memorialized his story and lessons in It’s Your Ship, one of the top books on leadership.

Abrashoff’s compelling story of top-down change can apply to all areas of business. Companies like Calyx have taken lessons from It’s Your Ship and implemented them into our own business culture. We’ve quickly realized an increase in morale and enthusiasm. For those looking for a quick improvement on their leadership skills here are 6 takeaways to enhance your teams’ comradery and productivity.

Lead by Example

Do you walk your talk? Do you bark orders from your desk, or are you willing to get your hands dirty?  Those who lead by example create a stronger, more agreeable, and productive team.    Leaders set morale by helping to inspire and assist those around them to meet their full potential.  Great leaders rise to challenges and boost their comrades higher than themselves. To gain the trust of your employees, lay down footsteps for them to follow. Be the leader that you would feel confident following.

Listen Aggressively

Abrashoff conducted interviews with each of his 300 crew members. He got personal in his discussions while learning about their personal lives, why they joined the Navy, and their thoughts on how to improve the Benefold. He discovered that he had a crew of smart, talented, and innovative men and women, but they weren’t being heard. Abrashoff “decided that {his} job was to “listen aggressively” to his crew.

When leaders listen and act upon suggestions, employees feel validated for making a difference. You never know who will come up with the next big idea. Extending an ear and responding accordingly can profoundly increase morale and productivity.

Communicate with Purpose

Lack of productivity often results from a sense of disconnect between the employee and the mission of the organization. Abrashoff took notice that the crew wasn’t invested in the ship. “No one had ever thought to give {the crew} a compelling vision of their work, a good reason to believe it was important.” When Abrashoff made them aware of their purpose, their performance increased tenfold.

Abrashoff goes on to explain, “No matter how fantastic your message is, if no one is receiving it, you aren’t communicating.” It is up to the leader to clearly define the mission and vision of the organization and then to communicate clearly and concisely.

Go above and beyond

In business, as well as in the Navy, standard operating procedure tends to take precedent. You will never get in trouble for following basic expectations and protocols. Staying in line is safe and effective. However, following standard operating procedures rarely results in exceptional outcomes. Innovation and progress occur when employees feel comfortable and motivated to go above and beyond.

The Washington Post Test

The end goal is essential, but how you get there is just as critical. Abrashoff writes, “If what I’m about to do appeared on the front page of the Washington  Post tomorrow, would I be proud or embarrassed? If I knew I would be embarrassed, I would not do it. If I’d be proud, I knew I was generally on the right track.” Leading with integrity is doing the right thing, even when it is difficult.

Take risks

For greatness to occur, everyone in an organization must feel comfortable taking calculated risks. As a leader, ensure that your employees know the parameters in which they can operate. Let them know that thinking outside of the box will be rewarded, even if it doesn’t result in success. Encouraging perfection snuffs out your team’s desire for risk-taking and creative thinking, thus, killing innovation.

Captain D. Michael Abrashoff has shown that excellent leadership can completely change the course of an organization. You too can elevate your leadership skills and strengthen your team by implementing strategies from It’s Your Ship.

Vulnerability At Work. Your Biggest Advantage?

Vulnerability At Work: Your Biggest Advantage?

By | Inspiration

Last year, Kevin Love of the Cleveland Cavalier’s had a panic attack on the court. He had been struggling with the loss of his grandma and the grief overtook him. Instead of playing tough or trying to hide the fact that he was hurting he stood up proudly and announced, “Everyone is going through something.”

Kevin Love showed the world how courageous he was by simply embracing his vulnerability, something many of us are often afraid to do. But why is this?

Society has taught us that being vulnerable is a sign of weakness. It exposes our insecurities, incapacity, and fears. It is like laying all your cards on the table during a poker game, we fear that we are instantly at a disadvantage. But a new wave of thinking shows that embracing vulnerability is actually crucial to success, especially in the workplace.

Jason Fordu, CEO of Calyx, states, “Growth, both personal and professional, can only happen if you are vulnerable. It is when your team is open and honest that true innovation occurs.”

By creating a work culture where vulnerability is feared, you’ve created a culture where creativity and innovation will falter. It takes great courage to be vulnerable and have uncomfortable conversations with colleagues – but it is through the discomfort that magic can happen.

Ed Grauel, Calyx’s COO, noted that their core values – “Challenge everything. Do what’s right. Own it.” – have created a culture that embraces vulnerability. Employees feel open to express their thought and ideas, which Calyx has greatly benefitted from.

Increased Trust

Trust is a key part of a collaborative workspace, yet many struggle with trust in a professional context. Trust among colleagues is not necessarily the same as trust in a personal relationship. In the workplace, trust often comes down to accountability. If you assign a task to a co-worker, will they get it done and give it their best effort? Are people in the office willing to ask for help if needed? If you don’t create a work culture that tolerates vulnerability, your people will likely be uncomfortable asking for help.

Developing trust in yourself and your co-workers can not only increase satisfaction in the workplace but also improve productivity.


If you are going to stand up, you risk falling. It’s a consequence of vulnerability and courage, and why so many people decide to remain in the background. However, if you create an environment where colleagues help each other up when they’ve been knocked down it increases the willingness to become more vocal and vulnerable.

Talented leaders should look for people who have failed and were willing to try again. Having resilient people on your team is essential to success.

Understandable Values

Almost all businesses have some sort of company values, but far fewer actually live them. Core values define a company at the deepest levels. Jason Fordu begins every meeting by repeating Calyx’s core values. He has operationalized his values so that his team follows specific behaviors that are observable and measurable. Core values, like Calyx’s, allow coworkers to trust, rely on and respect each other more. It allows your team to admit, accept, and learn from their failures instead of getting discouraged.

Increased Innovation

Vulnerability leads to innovation. Change and growth occur when talented people feel confident to stand up and state their opinion and challenge the system.  Questioning everything only allows for answers that create more opportunity. When you create an environment where vulnerability is feared you do not allow space for growth.

By creating an environment where employees feel valued and part of the process, your team becomes more invested in solutions and more willing to contribute.

Stress Relief

Your company is only as strong as the weakest member of the team. If your co-workers are nervous or upset, chances are others in the office are as well. This causes increased stress and decreases productivity.

When employees feel free to speak out about what is causing them worry, they can alleviate that worry simply by being vulnerable enough to articulate it. By decreasing stress in the office people perform and collaborate more effectively.